In My Mind

I sit here alone…

Pondering…

Wondering…

I am 16… no longer a child… not yet an adult...

I am a young woman…

My heart feels torn…

I wonder about my life ahead… what will I be? Where will I go?

It is a bit frightening… but more exciting… I remember when I used to wonder if I would ever make it to 13… Well… I did… I made it past 13… For I am 16 now… I am at the age my mom was when she gave me life… It is kinda weird, if you know what I mean… to think my mom is only 16 years older than I am. I cannot imagine myself with a newborn… That just seems so… foreign. I wonder what I would do if I did have a newborn… I hope I would give that baby a better life then what my mom gave me. I hope I would shower the baby with hugs and kisses… love. Something that was not introduced to me until I was 7 years old…

Love scares me… It is painful… terrifying… confusing… What is love… really… what is love? I hear that God is love… but if you don’t know God… then what IS love? Is it a being… is it a feeling… or is it something so out of this world that nobody really knows for sure.

What you are reading… is what I process in my mind daily…

What is God? Who is God? Where did He originate? I hear some say He came from the unknown… but where is the unknown? Why did He choose to create the world…? How long did he alone? Why did He create me? What purpose do I fulfill? How long until I find out?

My heart is torn… why? I am not sure… It hurts at times… sometimes I wonder if life will get any better… Where there is no pain in one day… Maybe that just isn’t life… Maybe you have to feel pain to make you pursue a better way… I think in some ways… we are just like some animals… when we train our animals we look for ways to help them pursue the right thing… Like when we try to train a horse to lead… Do you stand in front of the horse and wait for it to decide to follow you? No, if the horse has not learned how to follow, you have to apply pressure around the nose and ears… Inflict just a little pain to make them take that one step away from the pressure… I think that is what happens to us… There is pressure in our lives… to make us pursue the right thing… To make us take a step towards the better way. It is up to you on when and how you do that…

I am a artist… I love to create… to bring a piece of paper into life with just a pencil… Have you realized that people try to be like other people? They don’t want to find themselves… instead they try to look, act, talk, walk like other people. They want to acquire someone else’s mannerisms… Instead of cultivating their own… Well, you might be thinking how that has to do with my art… I will tell you how that plays into this…

When I begin to draw, I start out with basic lines… that is all just plain ol lines… Well, if I want my drawing to come to life I have to apply the shading…but what if I didn’t apply the different dark and light shades? What if I just colored my drawing with just one pencil and I didn’t shade and lighten it? There would be absolutely no definition… not dark lines to even give you a hint at what I was trying to draw… The whole piece of paper would just be grey… Sounds boring right? That is the way we people try to be… so what is the difference…

What if I begin to draw a tiger… I would have to make sure that some of the lines stand out… I would have to make it darker… different. To make my drawing come to life I have to add differences… I have to apply dark and light… To make them come together. That is what makes my drawings amazing. When I show you the finished drawing… do you automatically look at the differences as something weird? One line is a tad bit darker than the other… one part of the face is lighter than the other… One whisker is shorter than the other… 

We need to be ourselves… Find who YOU are and be that person… Don’t try to be like some star or even your best friend! Why be boring like that? There already is a Carrie Underwood… why try or even wish to be like her? Why would you want to be boring?! She is who she is because she is not like other people… she does not spend her life trying to be like some other beautiful star. Be YOU… be unique… be something that people actually admire! Trust me… I know that there is at least two if not more things that I would admire! Maybe your eyes… I LOVE eyes… especially when they are shining with self-confidence… So do yourself a favor… and save yourself from embarrassment- be you!

I am 16… just a young woman…

I am like most other 16 year old young women… I wonder who I will marry… I get all giddy at times when I remember that God is still grooming my husband for me… sometimes I think God should hurry up because I am a bit excited to know and meet this young man… then I think… good things are worth waiting for…

Like other young women… I struggle… I am not afraid to admit that sometimes I anticipate sex… sometimes the urge is rather strong… sometimes I long to kiss a guy… just once because I am curious… what does it feel like? But, I remind myself that I would be stealing from my husband… my first kiss is for him and him alone… I want him to have all of me… with no other man’s mark… I want to be clean and pure… I belong to my husband and I will wait for as long as need be… because I am his and he is mine… I don’t want to share him with some other young woman… so why should I let some other man use my body? I can’t… and I won’t… I will wait because I love my future husband… and that is what love does…

I have been told that it is silly to save my first kiss… I am a teen; I should go and have fun before I am tied down with a husband… Why at my age I am all primed up! Of course, sometimes I think… that does sound fun… but what happens when I stand before my husband someday and I tell him that he doesn’t kiss me the way some other guy did? He doesn’t hold me the way so and so did. What if I don’t tell him… but I think it? Poor guy… he wouldn’t know how to act! Our marriage wouldn’t last long because while he thought he was loving on me… I was standing there thinking… His kiss is not quite like so and so… maybe he needs to lean in a bit more… No! I will not do that to him! So no… I will not go out and make out with some dude that I cannot see myself marrying! I am saving my kiss… my self-pleasures for my husband! I am willing to risk friends and fun for keeping my commitment sturdy. Besides… since I have never kissed a boy and never had sex, then my husband would be the best kisser AND the best lover I have ever dreamed of! Now THAT is something to look forward to!

This is my mind… what goes through me daily…

I am a 16 year old young woman… fighting to stay pure and godly. I am refusing to become like other girls… I am who I am… This is me and I hope that what I have wrote will encourage you, whether you are a young man or a young woman… old or middle aged…

I am 16… and this is what is…

…In My Mind…

 

~Marie J.~